Prathima's Miles & Milestones

I am writing this post for my younger, more naive self. I believed that I was somehow less worthy or capable than others if I couldn’t point to another person and call them mine. As if I only matter if I’ve got a man at home who can help me share life’s burdens.

Our society is still largely based upon and built for couple-hood. Namely, mothers and fathers. Or, you know, the people who will become mothers and fathers.

We congratulate couples for picking out rings or tying the knot. We admire them for making it work 25 years down the road.

And we make light of the sacrifices individuals often make to become a couple. Even ignore the warning signs when couples we know become codependent or when one spouse gives up their dreams to pacify the other. Often, we call this love and compromise.

But sometimes, I wonder if we’d be better off to quit putting such a premium upon romantic love. I’m saying that maybe it’s not the greatest idea to decide to be a housewife at 18. Maybe it’s not all that amazing to drop out of school to support your family. Maybe it’s even a little bit sad because we value couple-hood above the individual.

With so many couples growing apart and ending up divorced, I can’t help but feel that greater independence and self-love could go a very long way in preventing premature unions anyway.

And I used to feel embarrassed for being single. It felt like everyone who knew me for long would decide that I must be single because of a.) I’m too skinny or b.) I’m childish or c.) I’m destined to be alone all my life.

But lately, I’ve discovered the deliciousness of getting things done even if I have to hire help. That sort of independence tastes so much better than I ever even dreamed. And this kind of girl doesn’t need a man to do what she loves.

I want to live with that sense of self that says I’m perfectly fine on my own, and to be so honest, I actually do like being single. Imma reach my goals regardless of being single or if am committed to someone special.

Romantic love stories have been sold to me so hard that I never even considered another path until recently. Longing for love felt absolutely natural… until it felt utterly forced.

When my friends ask me — “Don’t you want to find a good husband?” You know, for a long time, I thought I did. But now I’m not so sure.

I’m busy building a life I love and it’s not as if just any man could fit into that. I don’t need a man to become a wife. And I’m not sure why I would ever want to fall into another relationship just to not be alone. To a great degree, I like being alone.

I like reading, writing, and reflecting upon the world. I enjoy my freedom to choose what’s right for me without running it by somebody else first. I used to associate single-hood with waiting, emptiness, and unfulfilled dreams. I want to be a crazy cat lady! It took a long time for me to understand that a single girl can be strong. Or beautiful.

As it stands, I’ve got more than a few friends who don’t know how to be alone because we live in a culture that equates singleness to failure.

But is it really?

I count myself lucky these days to be a woman who knows what she wants and what she doesn’t. I feel fortunate to know how to say No to relationships that inhibit my growth.

And I am grateful to have finally outgrown this urge to need love from a man to feel worthy.

The punchline of it all is that the one thing that scared me the most (becoming a single mother) wound up leading me to the greatest happiness I’ve ever known. It taught me the value of total independence, and although I’m not averse to love, I am content to know that I don’t need love from a man to feel free.

And I will never trade in my independence for the sake of not being alone.

Singleness isn’t a red flag or sign of weakness and need. It’s often an opportunity, a legitimate choice, and an entirely valid happily ever after.

And I hope that more of us learn to embrace it with open arms.

I’ve never been someone who needed to be defined by my relationship status. It’s never been about just having someone, it’s having the right someone. Being single is a goddamn gift if the alternative is having the wrong someone.

I am me and me is enough. Is that an appropriate response?

Oscar Wilde once wrote, “To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” That is something I finally feel in my bones. And I wonder how many more people might feel the same if they’d be given the opportunity to rely upon themselves and quit waiting for an outside love to save them.