Prathima's Miles & Milestones

Looking through life as a library of reflections

Jumping right in with no preface —

1. Treats Me Like an Equal

Be it in the kitchen or a board room meeting or pitching in front of the investors, I expect to be treated equally. Both parties should be on the same page. I expect a future partner to make decisions with me based on our needs as they change. For example, I expect them to consider my career opportunities if they get an offer to relocate or for them to help me retain financial independence if we decide to have children. Also, being child-free or bearing a child is my decision because it’s my body. I want to be aware of what I put my body through. It definitely affects my athletic career. I’ve always been a girl making unconventional choices that very few would make and I don’t carry any guilt whatsoever. I constantly learn & evolve from my experience be it winning or losing a game.

Regardless of who makes more money or who received an appraisal at work or who started a new venture or who does the cleaning of the attic or who paints the house’s exterior on a Sunday, I expect to be treated like an equal partner, but I also expect to contribute whatever we agree is fair. And regardless of how the arrangement changes, I expect to be transparent about my intentions and have the same level of openness. What I wear & when is my decision, unless I ask for suggestions. After all, we are adults & we know what do to & what not to do. We know what to wear in a pool, & what to wear in the mountains.

2. Respects My Decisions

I write to be understood. My nightmares consist of me screaming while restrained in the backseat of a car — no one listens to me or validates my concerns. I don’t want a passive partner who steamrolls over my preferences or needs. It’s a lonely experience explaining yourself to someone who doesn’t understand.

I expect my partner to trust me to be an expert on myself. And if I had a long day at work, or finished a marathon, or a swim day and am too tired to express my concern, I expect him to overlook in the kitchen, & make sure I have my restful sleep to rejuvenate, or set up my massage gun or set up my bathtub with Epsom salt for recovery. And if I need a quiet moment, he better takes the children out for ice cream. He knows the perfect temperature, & the amount of sugar for my coffee when I have a bad headache. And, vice versa. I’d love to reciprocate in his love language if it’s words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch as explained by Dr Gary Chapman in his book.

I expect a partner that defends my choices even if I haven’t explained my reasoning because he knows I don’t make rash decisions. A partnership is made of two individuals who must be experts on themselves. And likewise, I expect to respect his decision because we’ve built that trust within each other. It’s teamwork. I believe in — You & I are a team. You need to have my back if I miss family functions for my swimathons or a stage performance. I’ll reciprocate the same whenever you have an important meeting or rather need your me-time or just want to play a game with a friend with who you promised to catch up. If I’m on a particular diet for my upcoming competitions, do not expect me to listen to elders to have a cheat meal when we visit someone or vice versa.

3. Chooses Kindness

I don’t tolerate name-calling or shaming in any relationship. We’re both going to make mistakes, but we are not our mistakes. We must recover from them and move forward. But sometimes, life is uncertain and unresponsive to our best efforts. Sometimes, I need someone to sit beside me until the worst is over.

Grief, depression, and illness are an inevitability of life. At some point, what used to work for us won’t work anymore. I don’t want a partner who shames me for resting while my body is sore. I’m listening to my body, it’s healing, and rejuvenating, to avoid injuries. I’m not lazy or making an excuse. I’m self-motivated. I want a partner willing to give me the space I need to recover because relationships aren’t always 50/50. Sometimes one person gives 90% while the other gives 10%.

And I’m willing to give 90% during a rough period if 10% is my partner’s version of 100%. I’m eager to pick up their favourite snacks and research a specialist that will see them. I believe in committing to someone in sickness and in health. I’m looking for someone who believes in that commitment too.

4. Enjoys Tasks I Don’t

A partnership is about maximizing strengths and weaknesses. I put this item on my list after practising Agile religiously for a decade about how having a partner that makes phone calls, and schedules appointments are necessary for the success of a partnership. I prefer timely retrospectives & self-evaluation over a long walk post-dinner with no devices.

The most successful relationships I’ve had are with partners who get curious about what I’m trying to accomplish and help me find systems that help achieve my goals. Do I need a new domain? Do I need a closet organizer? I’m willing to do the work, but sometimes, it’s easier to work smarter than harder.

And I’m looking for a partner who recognizes how my strengths complement their weaknesses. Does my network contain someone who can help them reach their professional goals? Can I make an introduction? Or did I remind them to pick up a gift before showing up at their family’s birthday party? I want someone who recognizes how I make their life better and someone confident in what they offer me.

5. Has Healthy Coping Strategies

Usually, one of my inappropriate first date strategies is to find out if my date has experienced trauma. I get nervous about a relationship with someone who has never experienced loss because sometimes, we don’t know what we don’t know — about ourselves or our partners.

And the frustrating part about this requirement is that they must show healthy coping strategies over time. Sure, I can look at how a potential partner faces a career setback or how they support me through my setbacks and injuries, but the only way to see if they can handle the stress of home repairs and a relationship is to give them a chance to do it.

But, do they meditate every day? Are they open to the idea of therapy if they need it? Do they read books on positive communication patterns? I haven’t figured out how to find a partner with healthy coping strategies — but looking for a partner willing to communicate their needs and work through challenging times feels like a starting place.

Working on the latest technologies of AI/ML, or keeping up to date with Starlink is not going to help unless one is broad-minded & unorthodox in his ways of living life. Being superstitious, respecting the elderly even if stupid without educating them, and following the customs & traditions if unwilling to is to be let go. Every individual has a difference of opinion & needs to be respectful of each other choices. In my opinion, respect should not be demanded, but earned irrespective of age. Moreover, age is just a number. Putting oneself first need not be guilt-tripped & gaslighted. One can only pour when their cup is full. Patriarchical manipulations, controlling one’s actions, making one question their sanity, never accepting one’s mistake, and judging, isolating from the rest, petty & passive-aggressiveness, are a big no-no.

Basically, find someone who appreciates your daily small victories as much as big ones. It is a win-win for the alpha female. We are stubborn, yet persistent. Being a self-starter, strong-willed, & determined women, we architect our lives very carefully. It is rewarding in spite of all the hardships. We set the bar high. I’m someone who loves professional change, growth, & excitement but hates personal change. Tough situations have taught me patience, & I have learned that I can go through anything & win at the end of the day. Dressing for success & choose your words wisely is my mantra to win & lose gracefully.